On Friends and Monogamy
I think most people fall within two catagories when veiwing thier forming relationships. Open and Closed. In the closed view, a beginning relationship precludes all other feelings for all others of that type, meaning if you've got 'boyfriend/girlfriend' feelings for someone, you wont have them for anyone else. In fact you'll go out of your way to avoid putting yourself into situations that may bring about those feelings for someone else, just so that your heart can remain 'pure' as it were. This veiw is almost always a product of cultural conditioning, movies, media and the like, but is still very real to the one who has that view.
The second view is that you can feel a variety of things for a variety of people simultaneously, and one relationship or set of feelings does not come at the expense of another. You can really really like someone, say up to the point of making out with them, and still have those feelings for someone else. In western culture it is generally considered 'uncool' to have two similar physical relationships (cheating), since monogamy is pounded into our heads since the very first time we saw a flick or read a book in which the guy gets the girl, or the girl gets the guy. The basic idea is that you cant have 'True Love' with two people at the same time.
Here's the problem; if every intimate relationship came at the cost of all others, then we would only ever have one relationship- entering into it at a very young age and keeping with that partner until death. We are also encouraged to find the right person, in fact the 'perfect person' to have that relationship with. You cant find the 'perfect' person without playing the field, so the ideas of finding True Love and holding to the Closed view are mutually exclusive. Thus everybody finds a balance. Closed view people tend to have a list of things which if the other person violates, the relationship is deemed over (cheating, or being intentionally hurt, for example) Open view people will start mini-relationships while still in thier current one to test the waters before jumping ship.
In the big picture, this means that Closed view people will jump from relationship to relationship with distinct gaps in the middle, because they haven't started anything before they break up. They are also more afraid of leaving a bad relationship because they have nothing to fall back on when its over. They are far more likely to go back to old girlfriends than be alone, because thier conditioning says that its not right' to be alone, which is why they are Closed view in the first place. Beware the rebound girl if you are a closed view person, she only looks tempting because her horseshit is better than being alone- if you broke up once, there was a good reason, and it's best to find someone else.
Open view people rarely find themselves alone, because they already have little starter relationships all over the fucking place. Their lives are not so much a start and stop type thing, but an ebb and flow of thier existing ties to other people. As one relationship takes a turn for the worse,or even just remains the same, they focus on another, and that relationship grows as the other falls away. They are very fickle, because they are driven to seek perfection, and have enough self-confidence to drop or damage a relationship because of a few minor things. Since they are masters at beginining new relationships, they have no problem in letting a current relationship go because there is always a new one on the horizon.
Thier achilles heel however, is that they find self-worth in how they relate to other people, and often find themselves adapting to the people around them, rather than holding true to thier own individual character. As odd as it seems, they are easy prey to domineering and controlling partners, because they feel an intense pressure to live up to the expectations of those around them. If you dont live up to what they want, you're gone in a heartbeat, but if they can't live up to yours, they are driven to redefine themselves until they do.
Two basic strategies, and two answers to the same question. Both have their strengths and weaknesses. Small wonder they are so common.
The second view is that you can feel a variety of things for a variety of people simultaneously, and one relationship or set of feelings does not come at the expense of another. You can really really like someone, say up to the point of making out with them, and still have those feelings for someone else. In western culture it is generally considered 'uncool' to have two similar physical relationships (cheating), since monogamy is pounded into our heads since the very first time we saw a flick or read a book in which the guy gets the girl, or the girl gets the guy. The basic idea is that you cant have 'True Love' with two people at the same time.
Here's the problem; if every intimate relationship came at the cost of all others, then we would only ever have one relationship- entering into it at a very young age and keeping with that partner until death. We are also encouraged to find the right person, in fact the 'perfect person' to have that relationship with. You cant find the 'perfect' person without playing the field, so the ideas of finding True Love and holding to the Closed view are mutually exclusive. Thus everybody finds a balance. Closed view people tend to have a list of things which if the other person violates, the relationship is deemed over (cheating, or being intentionally hurt, for example) Open view people will start mini-relationships while still in thier current one to test the waters before jumping ship.
In the big picture, this means that Closed view people will jump from relationship to relationship with distinct gaps in the middle, because they haven't started anything before they break up. They are also more afraid of leaving a bad relationship because they have nothing to fall back on when its over. They are far more likely to go back to old girlfriends than be alone, because thier conditioning says that its not right' to be alone, which is why they are Closed view in the first place. Beware the rebound girl if you are a closed view person, she only looks tempting because her horseshit is better than being alone- if you broke up once, there was a good reason, and it's best to find someone else.
Open view people rarely find themselves alone, because they already have little starter relationships all over the fucking place. Their lives are not so much a start and stop type thing, but an ebb and flow of thier existing ties to other people. As one relationship takes a turn for the worse,or even just remains the same, they focus on another, and that relationship grows as the other falls away. They are very fickle, because they are driven to seek perfection, and have enough self-confidence to drop or damage a relationship because of a few minor things. Since they are masters at beginining new relationships, they have no problem in letting a current relationship go because there is always a new one on the horizon.
Thier achilles heel however, is that they find self-worth in how they relate to other people, and often find themselves adapting to the people around them, rather than holding true to thier own individual character. As odd as it seems, they are easy prey to domineering and controlling partners, because they feel an intense pressure to live up to the expectations of those around them. If you dont live up to what they want, you're gone in a heartbeat, but if they can't live up to yours, they are driven to redefine themselves until they do.
Two basic strategies, and two answers to the same question. Both have their strengths and weaknesses. Small wonder they are so common.
posted by The Messenger | Monday, May 31, 2004
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