You're burning. Somewhere your gentle inquiries became a passion, and now that passion has descended into obsession. Your body is breaking down; your nervous system is beginning to collapse. In a twist of irony, your unyielding and sacrificial search is taking you in the exact opposite direction of where you want to be. It happened just over a year and a half ago, when you started to cross the line, hunting extremes to catch the odd thread or two of what you are looking for - but because you were cheating, taking the short path instead of building a proper and firm foundation, the associated threads were not there to support and form your connections to the world that you are truly seeking. Your vision has narrowed, and will continue to do so, an unholy focus on an aspect of being rather than stepping back and seeing how that aspect of life fits into the big picture.
Your message comes as a warning to stop your pursuit before what you are searching for becomes permanently unachievable. This does not mean you must end your search, far from it, you seek a noble goal. To connect completely with the world and find your place in it will indeed give you the sense of peace, belonging and stability you require. It is in fact necessary for you to find this particular secret; I can see how this hidden instinct within you could become a burning need - it is essentially your body telling how you must be in order to not only survive your life, but become viable and vibrant, giving to others, and allowing them to give thier strength to you. Without this flow occurring back and forth with the people you surround yourself with in your life, you will always be uncertain and uncomfortable with who you are. With badly placed outflow, your energy is wasted, and with a poor reception and identification of things flowing in, you cannot gain an appropriate amount of emotional energy and support from others. Your body and your soul are bleeding out more energy than they receive over time; the path to a dark and aching death.
On some level you already know this, and the need is increasing as your life travels take you further and further away from it. You increase your efforts, seeking out and gripping the stray threads that lead back to the source, but they are thin, weak, and do not provide the nourishment you require. They are certainly not strong enough to sustain you without breaking, and so even the moments of peace you find are doomed to be short as these fragile and miscellaneous connections are strained, overloaded and finally destroyed.
Your message is clear:
Stop struggling. Let the world come to you.
The world flows, always moving, ever changing. It may seem like you must move with it, aggressively seek to anticipate it, but this is not the case. The world will move with or without you. When we stand still, focusing on our basic needs and whatever goodness surrounds us and ignoring those things which are negative influences in our life, the world embraces us and moves past and through us gently. The natural flow of life will attempt to fill those things which are empty and relieve those areas which suffer from too much pressure. By stopping your pursuit, but not your search, you stand on a firm foundation, building and maintaining yourself and your daily life until it reaches a point of strength where you can explore from.
You have been neglecting this foundation for too long, and it hovers on the brink of crumbling into ruin. Now is the time to return to yourself, taking care of who you are without concerning yourself about how to connect with others. As you do this, the streams of the world will flow past your doorstep, and you can pick up and hold onto those things which are truly good and positive. Do not look for extremes, but instead focus on the simple - the gentle trickle of life that comes to you, seeking you out to fill its own needs and relieve its own pressures. Life is a river, and like most rivers, it does not start out as a torrent, but as hundreds or thousand of small streams and runoffs eventually connecting together. This collective flows downstream, meeting and intermingling with other streams until it acquires a vast and sweeping power.
Much in the same way, it is time for you to find the many sources of strength and energy that exist in your life, identifying them at thier source, verifying that they are good and true. Repeat this process until you have a small and stable collective of good things that you can rely and depend on. Gentleness and consistency are the watchwords of the day, avoid being swept up in the torrents and influences of others, you are simply not strong enough at this point to step into such a strong current and not be swept away to a place out of your control, a place where you do not naturally belong. By running at such a blinding pace, you are missing the small intimate details that are there to direct you on your journey. Relearn to appreciate the small, the slow, the gentle. You will reach what you are looking for by the merit of your existence, not the merit of your efforts.
Be good, be well,
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