To the Girl with a Saddened Smile:

To the girl with a saddened smile:

I'm sorry, I have few words of comfort. You very nearly died you know, more than merely close. And now a piece of that lives inside of you. It must be hard, I would think, when men turn away for reasons they can't describe. And those that would stay, at least so far, are nothing like you.

There is something that happens to those who have walked along the brink, they come back changed. There are auras that shine, those that seem to run along the surface of the skin, there are lights that shine behind bright eyes and friendly smiles, there are states of mind and body that bring an extra layer of solidarity to the flesh. And there are those that are anti-lights, twisting skeins of oily black tendrils that creep and wave beneath the skin. There are those who are disconnected, those that are twisted, and those that are broken and wounded. When a bad event occurs to a strong and healthy person, the body most often incorporates this experience. Even if the wound itself never fully heals, the body begins to grow around it and incorporate it into new growth. There are resonant auras created by this, you can see them spread through the mind and body as if there were strings attached to them - they all lead back to the root. If the damage occurs at a young age, the scar formed by this process becomes an intricate part of the psyche as a whole, at a later age the wound is set to the side. However, some special people seem to have the ability to take their wounds into themselves, and create something from it - perhaps a new sense of purpose, a keener understanding of human nature, a kindness or perhaps a viciousness they have never felt before.

Sometimes the wound runs so deep, that even after you have piled layer upon layer of experience, it still festers, and the efforts of one's self is no longer enough to turn the tide of this spiritual infection. It rots just beneath the surface, and it is revealed with even the lightest of prods. Even though most people are not consciously aware of this, they still seem to sense these things on a subconscious level. It’s odd how the human mind can rationalize its feelings. Often these people will retreat from one so wounded, making up strange reasons, blowing things out of proportion, taking a stand on issues they only care lightly about. A mind feels discomfort at the things it does not understand, and it takes great pains to relieve this discomfort at the cost of almost all other things. The instinctive reaction for the majority will be to shy away from a person harboring this kind of pain.

There is still hope. There is a certain section of the population that cannot help but generate vast quantities of energy. So much so, that they have a strong inner drive to interact and relate with many, many different people in an attempt to rid themselves of this energy. And for a good reason - if it were to build up behind the walls of thier flesh it would become tangled and knotted, leading to all kinds of illnesses and cancers. To keep themselves in perfect working order, they must flow out always. To me, these people can be separated on sight into one of two categories: the Good, and the Twisted. (There are very, very few truly Evil people in the world, and all that I have met fall into the Broken, Misaligned or Disconnected categories- but I think this is something unrelated to the message at hand, so perhaps another day.)

The Good (and that is a loose term, believe me) are quite selfless. They enjoy helping other people, and are not in it, at least not directly, for thier own ends. Their reward is to see the world better off for thier presence in it. The Twisted are self-involved, and thier actions are centered directly on making thier own lives better. They will help you, but only so you will help them later, or to get the recognition for it. These two groups are very close in nature and design, and it can be exceedingly difficult to tell them apart. If you were to describe their actions to me, I would have a very hard time in telling which was which. On sight however, the Good glow and the Twisted carry thier mark, so it becomes very easy. The Good and the Twisted have fundamentally different life philosophies, and so thier natural state, thier expressions while alone, writes itself on thier faces and bodies over time. For a beginner, who can't consciously see the inner lights of those around them, I would suggest the following rule of thumb to distinguish these people: the Twisted smile with thier faces, the Good smile with thier eyes.

My sweet and wounded soul, you are in need of a Good person. Your wound has become infected; you can feel yourself dying from the inside out. It is only in the presence of a sustained outpouring of life and energy that you will be able to beat back the darkness and reclaim your body as your own. It will be hard; the Good will be wary of you, sensing that the energy they pour into you seems to vanish. Because this is very similar to the aural effects of the Twisted and Disconnected, it will no doubt raise some small alarm.

As such, your message is clear: Do your absolute best at being a good person in all things.

The people who can help you will be watching you, listening to you, hearing you, seeing what you do to those around you. They are watching to see what effects you have on those around you to make the distinction between a good person who is hurt, and a bad person who can smile. As they say, you can tell the nature of a tree by its fruit. This is why it is more important for you than ever to be willing to set aside petty things and inferior thoughts and emotions. Set aside that which is negative; anger, sorrow, frustration, impatience, spite, self-indulgence, and focus on those things which are inherently positive: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. It is a hard task, good requires focus and energy, both of which you have a hard time sustaining. You are already weakened; the effort will not come easy.

But to put it in blunt terms; if you do not do this, you will die a slow and terrible death. You will be consumed from the inside out and the light inside you will perish. Every action you make will become tainted with your infection of the soul, and even your closest friends will shy away from you. When your body passes, it will be an unremarked event, and those who know you well will think you are better off for it.

Or, you can listen, being watchful for those that are Good and surrounding yourself with them. When you have enough experience at doing good in all situations, it will come naturally. Until then, fake it. Once a Good person has seen you to the point of knowing you, they will be able to tell that you are not Disconnected, only very badly wounded. Good people like to help heal those around them, and will not mind soothing your spirit in this way. More likely than not, you will form a close, intimate bond with one of these people, and once your wound has closed and healed, you will be back to your own natural state, which is a naturally positive thing to be. You may always need a bit of attention in this way to keep from falling back into the abyss, but by and large you will live a happy and productive life, going forward with those who have helped you to in turn make a positive difference in the lives of those around you. Your heart will be light, and all your friends will think of you with great fondness. It is your choice to make. I would quite like to meet the person you could become, I hope you choose well.

It Comes

A subtle web of words is smashed
A shield is broken on the task
A sword is slowly brought to bear
To cut the nothing that is there

The fingers find your naked throat
the nails pierce with every squeeze
the blood runs freely down your neck
and chokes the words you try to breathe

It's face comes close to yours
You see an old familiar grin
A black you've tangled with before
You can beat it back but you can never win

Theres nothing you've got that it hasn't seen
Every hit you've had, it's already been
You're fighting a wound with a mind of its own
And it wants

Just
One
Thing.

There's a haze of red
you've got blood in your eyes
makes it hard to see
where to cut at the lie
You paid a pound of flesh
to never see it again
but it always comes back
your favourite sin

There's nothing you've got that it hasn't seen
Every hit you've had, it has already been
You're fighting a wound with a mind of its own
and its wanting

Just
One
Thing.

You.

To the man in black with silver glasses

To the man in black with silver glasses and gold watch, an anniversary present from someone no longer with us:

You need to take it easy and relax. Its not like she's the One or anything. But you could have yourself a few fine weeks of generally good times. She likes the same kind of movies, the same kind of art, and she absolutely digs your style. You'll find out later that you want different things in life, but don't be a jerk about it, she could be a great friend to you over the coming years. You need this sort of thing, you've been left up to your own devices for far too long. You keep thinking you want someone who fits into your life, but you haven't seemed to catch on to the fact that what you want out of life right now isn't really all that good for you. Now is the time to come out of your hole for a while and explore what life means to other people. Keep things light and slow, she'll understand; she's looking for a serious commitment, but she is also willing to get to know you as a person, and float around in a relationship herself for a little while. Besides, she wants a man she can be a grown up with, her last boyfriend never really gave her the respect she deserves. Over the last two years she's really changed from a young lady into a full-grown woman, she needs someone to help her find herself and come into her own. There is a small twist of sadness in that when she does realize what she wants, she'll understand that you aren't going to be able to give it to her; but if you suck up the ego hit and help her through this little rough patch, you'll solidify a friendship that will last a long, long time. This will be quite important to finding your own match later, it is through this person's efforts on your behalf that you will wind up meeting the Real Deal. But for now, go out and have fun, learn to be yourself, and enjoy the finer things life has to offer. It will do you good.

To the owner of a fine black automobile

To: The owner of a fine black automobile with black rims and the rear-left tire slashed,

No, you don't know him; no, it isn't personal. Your culprit is an olive skinned man in his late thirties with a grey jacket and blue toque. He's angry because the results of your careful planning and decisions serve as a reminder that he is unable to do the same for himself. It's not as much his fault as you would think; his brain chemistry has been a bit off since his early twenties, leaving him prone to emotional outbursts which most would consider to be inappropriate. He's made some decisions involving people he thought he could trust, but as it turns out he was mistaken. He knows there is something up with his mind, but can't put his finger on it, and is convinced that if he had received the proper treatment as a teen that he wouldn't be in the same position he finds himself in today. The most unfortunate thing about this assessment of himself is that it is entirely correct.

It’s funny how the universe connects people sometimes. Taking common synaptic signatures and intertwining them through a course of events. It's not as off the wall as you might think. You bought your car, because it struck you as being representative of who you are. You went through thousands of makes and models, instantly discarding the ones that didn't suit you and then honing in on the ones that seemed to pop. For the first time you were able to get the one you felt suited you exactly, and the money was right. That car sings to your soul, which is probably why I can see it. I know why you went for those rims; just that extra touch of style, just the right slice of you to compliment your machine. Your selection was profoundly adept; it does indeed resonate with your personality, your style, your priorities and values.

In the same way, it resonated with him. He's just as smart as you are, you know. There are however a multitude of small lesions in his brain which prevent his thought patterns from becoming clear and defined, he has problems with assigned context because one idea is not connected to the next and the next and so on - the incidentals, the underlying context, is twisted and garbled and dropped as so much mental white noise; only the truly strong thoughts, the ones heavily seated in emotion and their associated chemicals remain. His mind is always trying to heal, and constantly boosts his brain chemistry to make him more emotional than normal in order to give his thoughts meaning and direction. Its shuts down little segments here and there, to prevent the damaged tissue from being involved too heavily in the thought process, but this is causing bouts of extreme depression, guilt and anxiety. He doesn't understand why he is like this; he is smart enough to see what 'normal' people do, he is smart enough to know what the rational course of action is, and yet is incapable of following it. He really is trying his best, but life itself has thwarted him, and he knows it. His emotions were running high that morning, allowing him the ability to focus and think, and when he saw your car, something beautiful, something personal, he wanted to be you, the Driver. So he took out his knife and made you more like him. Fucked by life for no other reason than existing where you were, when you did. His entanglement worked, and now he is more like you than he was before, and you are sharing a part of his pain.

Here's a piece of the lesson: be thankful you can fix your tire.

Here's the meat of it: This seeming annoyance comes as a gift. A stranger wishes to give what he has to offer, and add his strength to yours. The form is conflicted because the emotions behind it are also conflicted, appreciation of the gift will require some pause and insight. The gift comes to you because you are able to get past the emotional context and see it for what it is; a mark of respect. You are living to an ideal he appreciates but knows for a fact he can never have. I know over the past year or so you have felt a growing loneliness, that there are few people who understand and appreciate you. You seem to be taken for granted more and more, and you are wondering if there is as much a point to your success as you once thought. The truth is that you are lonely because not many people think like you, not at the core. Your imprint, the basics behind why you do what you do, how you feel, how you think and react to situations, usually results in poor decisions early on in life that are quite damaging to the individual. There are half a score of people on this planet with this imprint, and you are the only one to make it as far as you have in terms of your ability to successfully relate to the world around you. What you may not realize is that you are a champion among your kind; the only viable outcome in a crowd of unfortunates.

Your message is clear: Even if for no other reason, do your best because you can. You are bearing the torch for a people you will likely never meet except in passing. Life has given you a most fortunate twist of fate, make the most of it- just as you always have. Long life and good fortune will follow you to the end of your days.

Good Journey,

The Messenger

Messages: Jan 10, 2005

For the stocky guy with fading blond highlights:

Why do you always do this to yourself? You're a nice enough guy, but honestly, she is just way the hell out of your league. If you took a deep enough look, I'm pretty sure you'll find that you are not all that attracted to that type anyway, you just have this weird problem with setting yourself up to be shot down. Why? I dunno. Something about your mother being constantly dominated by your dad, and now you are subconsiously following in her footsteps. Look bud, find somebody supportive that thinks you're cute, not friend-funny. Oddly enough its going to be someone you are already aware of. You can tell by the way she runs her fingers through the hair on the back of your head, and if you're still clueless after that, maybe those little knick-knacks she's always picking up for you will kick your ass enough to wake up and smell the gourmet coffee. Stop looking for your movie star, and start looking at the beautiful things in real life hanging out directly in front of you.

Look, the premise behind your frustration is fairly simple. You do indeed have an undeniable charm; people like you. But your sexuality engine just isnt designed to run at a high temp for long periods of time. I know, I know, when you hook up with a hottie, emotions are a flying and you feel more alive than at any other time. But it's just the initial chemistry, not the way you were designed to run over the long haul. So as the initial rush begins to fade, your engine cools down to its average running speed (and hey, once or twice a week is still not bad for a guy your age) and the girl that your with, who naturally runs much hotter is left with something she didn't sign up for. She wants out and gets out, and you are left with the desire to pick up yet another hottie just to prove you can. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Sustainable effort over time is the key to a long term relationship; cut that high burn, short-lived shit right out. The stress is killing you, and the pressure to be overwhelmingly charming is kinda turning your natural charm into a forced assholic smile. The one you want likes you even when you're not 'on'. Go with it.

To the slim brown-haired girl who can't stop thinking about a stylized Aztec sun covered in gold atop a small pyramid surrounded by lush and deep jungle:

You've never been in a real jungle, which would explain the dream-like quality to the whole thing. So why can't you get this image out of your head? Honestly, I don't entirely know. What I do know however, is that a pre-occupation with any one symbol in particular is generally indicative of your subconcious mind trying to inform you of something. Here's the interpretation I'm getting so far:

The sun represents spiritual wealth, not neccessarily money, but a treasure which is deeply and personally rewarding to you. The road through the jungle is your longing for a new adventure, and the jungle itself represents the challenges and rewards (it really is beautiful, isn't it?) you are going to face if you undertake this new challenge. The setting itself, the imagining of a place you've never been, indicates that although you are aware of the path to these riches, they are not something you ever seriously considered or experienced.

Now is the time, to reconsider where you have been and where you are going. There is a dream you've had for a while, placed on the back burner because it seems to impractical to make reality. It's not as impractical as you'd think, you know this as the path in your vision is wide, and the pyramid itself is short - more symbolic of a worthy acheivment than an obsticle to be conquered. Take the time to build an action plan and make your dream a reality - it can be done, and it will most certainly be worth your while in the end.

And also I would like to see something else in the stream for a bit, your presence in it is rather overwhelming. By now you've noticed that the world and people in it just seems to shape itself to your will when there is need. It's a good thing, but for the love of god learn some focus; a torrent is spectacular to witness, but the same energy brought to a point would be very nearly unstoppable. But whatever, do as you will - you're good at it.

Why.

In every action of humanity, whether it be monumental task or passing conversation, there lies beneath a great and secret show. Watching the ebb and flow of a hundred million people, where the small is always a reflection of the large, where every minute detail has a counterpart on the grand scale, gives shape to a grand design.

It is difficult, or perhaps even impossible, for any of us to perceive the entire truth of all things, although we are uniquely qualified to perceive at least a portion of it. It is only through interaction with others that we may procreate a version of our own intimate design and send a modified copy of it out into the world. This need to interact in order to preserve our design virtually guarantees the sharing of thoughts and expression, allowing us, who can only see the world as it seems to exist, to gain perspective about the true reality behind what we think and how we feel about the world around us.

A living system, in which every part is connected to every other, cannot neutrally observe itself. The act of observation changes the system, and since these changes become incorporated into the mechanism providing observation, the best effort to define such a system can only provide a sort of rough ongoing comparison between the system as it exists, and how the system used to be. As such, it is only through the implementation of an infinitely stable and unchanging third-party rule set, that relative comparisons may be drawn between living, ever-changing systems.

I would suppose this is what accounts for the seeming need for any faith to compare itself to others, and even turn its eye inwards to those members who proscribe to any one particular methodology of faith. In our world, the dogma handed down by religion or self-discovered through spirituality is our attempt at constructing this third-party rule set, a standard by which we compare our lives, unto itself and to those lived by others. The saved and non-saved, the believers and disbelievers, the righteous and the accusers; all words used to describe those who try think and live according to a specific methodology of social interaction, and to describe those who disagree with that methodology.

There is most likely something within the nature of a human being which is universally applicable. After all, there is something distinctive about being human and not an ape, being human and not a lamp-post; people have argued the exact specifics of what it is that separates everything human from everything not for millennia. To claim to have an answer to these arguments would be both arrogant and ludicrous, but the mere fact that people have both created a distinction between human and not human, and are willing to argue about the nature of that division, suggests that at the very least a great deal of people seem to think that such a division actually exists.

To be fair, there is another group of people who do not believe in this division, that everything is Everything, and that the world and its universe are not composed of separate objects, but is in fact just one big gigantic structured Something. Everything is literally a part of everything else, and the lines we draw between one object and another are simply assumptions based on the perception of possible potential changes and the probability thereof in a near-infinite and heavily contorted energy field. It may surprise some to find that in terms of sheer numbers, this view, in some shape or form, is held by the vast majority of the world.

If you believe in the division of human from the not-human, you must believe that there is a universal trait or set of traits that define humanity. It follows then that every human being alive possesses these traits, and so it can also be assumed that by observing the product of this fundamental rule set, we can divide that which is inherent to the basic nature of an individual’s existence, from those things which are a result of that existence in an unknown or undefined environment. By quantifying that environment, by learning about a person’s past or present situation for example, we can separate out the objective psychology from the subjective, learn which things can be changed or modified and which things cannot, and then make use of this information in relation to our own actions and behavior in order to successfully relate to any selected individual. These relationships are intrinsically tied to our own understanding as to how these universal truths are affecting us, and so the quest for understanding others is often an attempt at trying to understand ourselves. When we reverse this equation, it is equally apparent that any effort made towards understanding ourselves better is done in an effort to somehow relate better to those around us, to whatever end that may bring.

If you believe in a unified existence, where even No-thing is something and everything is Everything, it follows then that what we choose to perceive as separate and individual beings are really just concentrated entanglements of whatever it is that exists. We are specific and unique phenomenon capable of interacting and producing results that affect other phenomenal centers outside of ourselves. As we are all unique, yet all one and the same, an exploration of ourselves allows us insight into the actions of others, as they are acknowledged as being a part of us, and the study of others allows us to gain a better understanding of ourselves.

The truth behind a truly humane existence does not rest in the separation of these two belief systems, or in discovering why this separation exists, but rather in the fact that the two theoretically opposing systems both yield the same result when applied to the observation of the human experience. This is the essence of the great and secret show, to hide behind that which is easily assumed to be understood. The real truths of the world are rendered invisible because they are as inherent to our observations as they are to our actions; you cannot look out to the world and see the inner workings of your own eye. We can only see the fundamental principles that guide all things in the actions and changes in the world around us, but never as an entity in and of itself.

My hope for immortality is in believing that the truth is in fact a part of us. That it is inherent to all of existence, all actions, all reactions. That in being a part of the Truth, we gain access to it simply by being; by removing the assumptions from our subjective consciousness from the reality of our objective existence. The closer one gets to achieving this goal, the closer and more apparent the truth becomes, until it is all things and everything. When I can finally see myself in Everything, then I can never die, for even if this body passes I will remain forever. I would expect that achieving this goal will be difficult; if one truly wishes to achieve an immortality of any kind, it seems reasonable to assume that one is going to have to do something to earn it. Here is my Something; more than Nothing, less than Everything. It will simply have to do.